Today is about balance

Learning to balance this illness with what I want to do is difficult.  If I do too much, I'm out of the game the next day and possibly the day after as well.  If I don't do enough, I feel as though I'm giving in to the pain.

I also need to balance life and work.  This is something I have always struggled with.  For me, it seems like it's an either-or proposition.  Either I work OR I have a life.  And, unfortunately, work has always been the priority.  I believe it's the need to be successful in tangible ways that drives me.  As though my status in life is a contest with my peers.

I also have a tendency to downplay accomplishments that I consider to have been "easy".  It usually isn't until someone points out how it wasn't as simple or easy as I had been telling myself - that truly, it was something to be proud of - that I begin to see it as an accomplishment.  I suppose i have different ways of viewing things than everyone else.  There are things that need to be done, so you buckle down and make sure they get done - regardless of their difficulty.

I need to get out of the house for more than just work.  So yesterday I went to a live podcast recording of Sex Nerd Sandra at Tabu in Philly.  It was wonderful.  Less educational and more laughter and being open about sex and boundaries and what makes people uncomfortable.  Also a big discussion as to whether pouring H2O2 into your vagina while on your period would be a good idea.  And what H2O2 actually does to blood.  I laughed and really enjoyed myself.

I also discovered my new go-to drink when I'm in a gin kind of mood - a pink elephant.  I believe it's made of grenadine and gin - delicious.  Perhaps a bit of lime.

What I wore last night:

JCrew Factory Popover (only I wore it in red... can't find that on the site)

And jeans with my new Toms shoes.  I brought a jean jacket with me as it was a bit chilly.  Also, this is officially my new favorite shirt.  It's so beyond comfortable, and I don't look like a complete slob (always a good thing).  This is an adventure in dressing for me - not worrying about what other people might think about what I'm wearing, whether it makes me look "fat", but whether I like wearing it.  I want to be comfortable and confident in the clothes I'm wearing.  It seems like a no-brainer, but I've evolved so much that I'm not sure where my tastes lay right now.  So I'll experiment.  

Right now I'm leaning towards a preppy-eqsue look.  I'm loving monograms and really want something to wear my sorority letters on.  Seeing the letters the college girls around my town wear makes me miss wearing my own.  I doubt I'll wear t-shirts and hoodies like in college, but I'd go for subtle things - a lavalier or polos or something.  I haven't decided.  Plus, anything I get has to be custom because most places don't carry my sorority.  Alas.  

-Gingko

Today I'm thinking about Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is not about pain.  Well, it is, considering it is characterized by pain, but there's more to it than just pain.  There's the feeling of helplessness - anything you do causes pain.  And if it doesn't cause pain today, it may very well do so tomorrow.  There's the depression that comes with being so overwhelmed by every single activity and responsibility.  Checking email becomes an impossible task.  Responding to text messages is anxiety ridden and requires several drafts before the final can be sent if I respond at all.  I've also lost all athletic ability that I had.  Stairs are the enemy.  Driving is the enemy.  I'm exhausted for the rest of the day from simply going to get the mail.  It's frustrating and, in my opinion, absolutely ridiculous.

But I cannot allow it to rule my life.  I cannot pause my life until I have this under control.  I have to live mindfully.  I cannot pass up an opportunity that will enrich my soul due to fear of pain.  I cannot give up something today in fear of missing something tomorrow.  Every day is a way for me to get stronger, both in body and mind.  I need to be aware of my needs, and be able to express them to those around me.

Perhaps this is the Universe telling me that I need to learn to ask for help.

Just a thought.

Be well,
Gingko

This is a test

Of the mobile blogging app. Enjoy the pictures of the cats!

Thoughts on Pets

Someone (who has children) once said that my advice on cats was as good as gold - as my cats are akin to my children.

It is an interesting thought.

They are the ones I come home to - I have joked frequently that if I didn't talk to my cats, I wouldn't speak on weekends... They are my family - I know their voices and what kind of food they like to eat.  I know where to find them if they are hiding and am acutely aware of changes in behavior.

I get panicky at the vet - worried that something may be wrong.

I search immediately for the source of a sneeze, or unusual noise.  I unconsciously do a head count every once in a while.  I know when the full moon is because they lose their minds during that period.

I know each of their personalities - the way Lady sleeps against the PS3, Sheila curled up in my lap, and Oliver on my feet.  Oliver likes belly rubs, Sheila just wants to snuggle and have a pat on the head, and Lady wants her face/head scrubbed.  Sheila doesn't like to play - but Oliver and Lady romp about all the time.

They are my family.  My source of comfort.  The reminder that I am not alone.  Their safety and health is my priority.  So I guess, yes, they are my children.

Life As A Creek

I am currently sitting on the couch in front of the gas fire, listening to Oliver's happy kitty noises (he has installed himself in the prime location right in front), with Numb3rs on in the background.  My family is arriving tomorrow between 11 and 11:30 for Thanksgiving, at least according to the Thanksgiving Plan Email that has been circling for the last few days.  And, looking around, I have a TON of cleaning to do before they arrive.  Sure, it's only the three of them, but it still looks like boxes exploded all over the place.  It's not a ton to do, but somehow I find it massively overwhelming.  Time to look to one of my favorite websites ever for inspiration:

UnFuck Your Habitat

It's absolutely wonderful - it's for people.  Just like that - for people.  Whether you're a lazy college kid, or someone with chronic pain, or a chronic illness or anything, there are tips and tricks for you here.  It has completely changed how I clean - not that I ever knew how to clean.  I was not one of those people born with the ability to clean things.  Now, I use a LOT of white vinegar.  When it doubt - white vinegar.  It's fantastic - who knew!?  No wonder it comes in such large quantities as compared to the other types of vinegar.

But there are more things on my mind than just cleaning:

With the end of the year fast approaching, it has come to my attention that I need to start planning my races for 2013 and begin training.  I'll keep you posted with the races that catch my eye and things I actually register for.  Going to be an expensive race season, I fear - as I already know I need a new bicycle helmet.  And one doesn't skimp on an important safety device.

Anyway - it must be 2030 - Oliver is telling me he is hungry.

Goodnight, and Good Luck,

-Gingko

Going Out Your Door

Clearly this whole blogging thing hasn't been working the way I thought it would. My world and my career path accelerated much much faster than I was prepared to handle in a very short amount of time, and I suddenly found myself pushing against the walls of the life I had created for myself. Wanderlust combined with stagnation and a mild case of depression, and I left where I was for someplace bigger, more complicated. Where I had been was perfect for right out of school - it was relatively simple, and mostly self-guided and unmonitored. I flitted about solidifying myself as someone "In The Real World", and once the responsibilities had (mostly) become routine, I found that my life required more than what the place (and people) around me could offer.

 Now, it wasn't a drastic "leave everything behind and start afresh like a newborn babe" sort of move, - more like a tributary joining a creek sort of move. I'm still me, but I'm me as a part of a bigger environment. Now I have to figure out how life works here. I've updated the sidebars with things I have accomplished, and new things I wish to accomplish. I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotations of all time:

 “It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.” -J.R.R. Tolkein, The Lord Of The Rings

 -Gingko

Stuck In My Head